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Monday, July 25, 2011

Falling Scales

Yesterday as I drove to the new church I have been visiting for the past few months, I pondered whether or not I should continue visiting, join or begin to visit another church.  No particular reason other than as usual I wasn't feeling connected (go figure). But boy oh boy did the Lord have plans for me.

The series for the past several weeks has been about Community, yesterday it was about Relational Balance and prior to the sermon there was a skit that I swear God wrote, produced and directed SPECIFICALLY for me.  I mean for real this thing had my name written all over it!!! Have you ever known the Lord was talking directly to you? Well yesterday He had a earful for me.  So about this skit...the main character was a young lady who had just moved to a new place for a fresh start.  Everything was new in her home with the exception of a few personal items. SIDEBAR - I moved recently and purchased everything new, I sold all my old items from my old life (marriage) and considered myself starting over.....Well this young lady had everything all planned out, right down to the type of friends SHE had ordered. She believed her life was finally in balance and then....Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome enters the picture from nowhere and there goes the balance and all the friends out the door along with it.  As the scene played out, I was trying to keep my mouth from dropping open so the folks sitting around me wouldn't know that was my life story being played out on stage.

Cut to the sermon....The pastor began to talk about the types of relationships we have in our lives and how we should each have 1-3 mentors in our lives, you know the folks who feed into us and make us feel fuller and equals, the people who make your life feel richer and whom you have a reciprocal relationship with.  He also said you should have a balance of 2/10 people in your life. Two people who you can all at any time of the day or night and know they will be there for you if needed and ten people who are also your equal.  You know what I realized?  My relational balance is severely unbalanced, there is no balance and I am lacking those 4-7 equal interactions per month.  As a single mom, I am constantly giving of myself in so many ways to my children because that is my job, I love them and it is what I do.  Problem is, I have not allowed people to feed into me, to sow into my life, to make my life richer and fuller.  It has not been intentional that this has happened, I attribute it to my family background and having been bullied while growing up.  Because of these two things, I only let people get so close to me before I either drive them away or drop them.  All this became so clear to me after listening to the sermon yesterday when the scales just fell off my eyes.  I left church yesterday with firm intentions and a plan to make changes in my life.  So far, I have asked two of my trusted friends to hold me accountable for 1. Getting into the right small group and becoming involved - not standing on the sidelines AND 2. Actively seeking out social interactions with new people. 

I also apologize to all the friends in my life past and present who I have disconnected from either because of a man or because of the issues within myself that I wasn't even aware existed.

Even though I have a long way to go, today I have felt so much better emotionally and physically than I have in a very long time.  I experienced more clarity and focus at work than I have in months. And I was even able to get up at 5am and workout so I can lose these 10lbs that I have gained. 

I realize this process is probably going to be painful because it will be so far out of my comfort zone and I know I will want to give up and retreat.  Because of that, I ask you all to hold me accountable and keep me in your prayers.

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