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Monday, July 25, 2011

Falling Scales

Yesterday as I drove to the new church I have been visiting for the past few months, I pondered whether or not I should continue visiting, join or begin to visit another church.  No particular reason other than as usual I wasn't feeling connected (go figure). But boy oh boy did the Lord have plans for me.

The series for the past several weeks has been about Community, yesterday it was about Relational Balance and prior to the sermon there was a skit that I swear God wrote, produced and directed SPECIFICALLY for me.  I mean for real this thing had my name written all over it!!! Have you ever known the Lord was talking directly to you? Well yesterday He had a earful for me.  So about this skit...the main character was a young lady who had just moved to a new place for a fresh start.  Everything was new in her home with the exception of a few personal items. SIDEBAR - I moved recently and purchased everything new, I sold all my old items from my old life (marriage) and considered myself starting over.....Well this young lady had everything all planned out, right down to the type of friends SHE had ordered. She believed her life was finally in balance and then....Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome enters the picture from nowhere and there goes the balance and all the friends out the door along with it.  As the scene played out, I was trying to keep my mouth from dropping open so the folks sitting around me wouldn't know that was my life story being played out on stage.

Cut to the sermon....The pastor began to talk about the types of relationships we have in our lives and how we should each have 1-3 mentors in our lives, you know the folks who feed into us and make us feel fuller and equals, the people who make your life feel richer and whom you have a reciprocal relationship with.  He also said you should have a balance of 2/10 people in your life. Two people who you can all at any time of the day or night and know they will be there for you if needed and ten people who are also your equal.  You know what I realized?  My relational balance is severely unbalanced, there is no balance and I am lacking those 4-7 equal interactions per month.  As a single mom, I am constantly giving of myself in so many ways to my children because that is my job, I love them and it is what I do.  Problem is, I have not allowed people to feed into me, to sow into my life, to make my life richer and fuller.  It has not been intentional that this has happened, I attribute it to my family background and having been bullied while growing up.  Because of these two things, I only let people get so close to me before I either drive them away or drop them.  All this became so clear to me after listening to the sermon yesterday when the scales just fell off my eyes.  I left church yesterday with firm intentions and a plan to make changes in my life.  So far, I have asked two of my trusted friends to hold me accountable for 1. Getting into the right small group and becoming involved - not standing on the sidelines AND 2. Actively seeking out social interactions with new people. 

I also apologize to all the friends in my life past and present who I have disconnected from either because of a man or because of the issues within myself that I wasn't even aware existed.

Even though I have a long way to go, today I have felt so much better emotionally and physically than I have in a very long time.  I experienced more clarity and focus at work than I have in months. And I was even able to get up at 5am and workout so I can lose these 10lbs that I have gained. 

I realize this process is probably going to be painful because it will be so far out of my comfort zone and I know I will want to give up and retreat.  Because of that, I ask you all to hold me accountable and keep me in your prayers.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Stepping out on faith and other lessons from God's Word....

Ok so it has been a few weeks since my last post and some may be wondering where I have been. Well.... I have been painting, packing, cleaning, scraping, patching walls, removing wallpaper, caulking and every other home repair I never imagined I myself capable of doing.  But in the midst of all that what I found myself doing was stepping out on faith, as I have decided to rent out my home and move to a better neighborhood with a better school district. 

There have been many, many changes going on, but let me give you a little background. My kids have been in a Christian school for the past several years, even after their father left I made sacrifices to keep them there because I wanted them at a school where God was placed in the forefront. Unfortunately, through the transition of many administrators during the years I no longer feel the presence of God at the school so needless to say we are leaving.  In any case, I have decided on a public school education for them which is part of the reason we are moving, coupled with a neighborhood I have not been happy with for some time AND the neighbor from HELL, literally. That last point is no joke and my friends and family can attest to that fact. 

Unfortunately, I sometimes have to be forced out of hurtful situations because I allow myself to be comfortable with the status quo. The status quo is never a good thing because you stop growing (although sometimes it takes me a while to figure that out).  The challenges I mentioned above are ones that have been around for awhile but I allowed them to linger until recently when a fire for change began to burn in me.  In other words I just got fed up!

Apparently getting fed up is what God wanted for me because He knows that is what works for me.  After several folks cancelled on me, I prayed and asked God for help and starting working on my house with a vengeance.  The next thing I knew I was two weeks into the project and I looked up and was amazed at all that I had been able to accomplish with God's help.  At that very moment, God's Word - Phillipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me" came alive to me in a way that it never has before.  I thought back on all the circumstances that brought me where I was, all the folks who had been placed in my life to help during the process and was so overwhelmed with emotion.  The scripture also spilled over into other aspects of my life, work and personal.  I suddenly became less fearful and now believe I am able to accomplish anything. 

I stepped out on faith and God met me where I was cause that's how He works.

Shout Outs

Oh my goodness - I have comments!! LOL...I feel so official now.  I love you guys:) Thanks for reading and commenting.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Question of The Day....

A fellow divorcee posed this question to me a couple of weeks ago and it has stayed with me so I am curious to know how others feel about this.

After a divorce, why is our marital status divorced rather than single? I mean aren't we now considered single?  Why are we being singled out (pardon the pun) as divorced? What box do we fit in?

I know, I know that was more than one question, but hey those questions perplex me and I need to know....

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

REAL Talk about Single Parenting!

I know when I started this blog, I wanted to emphasize that divorce and single parenting are not a death sentence and how I would rise above and all that.....And here is not to say that I don't still feel that way, or that I have given up, but it is HARD! There are days I want to give up, days when I can understand how some parents have taken the easy way out and left their kids to be raised by others. And you know what??? I am not ashamed to admit that I have had those thoughts because I am human. Truth be told, I am sure there is not a parent out there, single or otherwise who hasn't entertained thoughts similar to that AT LEAST one time in their journey as a parent.   God did not intend on marriages ending in divorce, nor did He intend on one parent raising a child or children. I have to keep reminding myself that God never gives us more than we can handle and He is waiting for us to ask if for help.  He wants a RELATIONSHIP with us.  I know I cannot raise these two girls on my own, but I also know how I have been blessed just having them, no matter the circumstance.  I am constantly asking God to make parenting a smooth, natural process for me. If I am being honest I would have to stay that parenting does not come naturally for me, I have to work at it and many times I fail.  But I keep seeking God's help and I keep trying to learn from my mistakes. And in the grand scheme of it all, those are life lessons I want my children to learn. 

Friday, April 29, 2011

TGIF?

Fridays for me always start out great yet always end up with me borderline depressed.  Let me explain, at the beginning of the workday I love Fridays. I mean I am all TGIF!! Yeah - "Cheers to the freakin' weekend", no work for two days and I'm going to have some rest and some fun.  This goes on till about 5pm when I get home and realize I have nothing to do. Now when I say nothing, you know that is not really true because I have two little women wanting snacks, dinner, candy and to stay up all night.  See they have NO problem with Friday nights.  But for me Friday nights have always been downers, even when I was single and childless.  I remember back then coming to my apartment and laying on my well worn green chenille couch (sadly yes) and staying in front of the TV till around 11pm, trying to fight off the tears  and finally giving in and going to bed. I have tried to escape the feeling with visits to friend's houses for playdates for mommy and the kids or having movie night at home.  Tonight I even went to family movie night with the girls at the new church we have been visiting. We watched Disney's Tangled  (http://adisney.go.com/disneypictures/tangled/), which turned out to be a cute and entertaining movie for us all - even the skater princess.  I thoroughly enjoyed myself  as well which came as a surprise because I am not big on fairy tales - the realist in me, I guess. However, as I was driving home that old familiar feeling began to creep up again and by the time I walked through my door it was there - waiting for me like a black cloud. 

After all these years, I have still not escaped it.  I have to get to the root of this! Time for me to ask my Daddy what to do. He will know what to do, He always does.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Too Long

It's been too long, way too long since I've had the urge to even think about putting a pen to paper or in this case my fingers to these keys. It's been too long, way too long since I have had a desire to share myself in this way with others.  So long in fact that I had to search this brain of mine to remember both the email address and password to even get into my blog account. How sad is that?  But today I began to get that itch again.  Some of my friends have been saying for awhile that I needed to start blogging again, but I just kept schlepping through my days with no direction.  Today for some reason, the light bulb went on, today I spoke the words aloud, "I think I am going to start blogging again". Yep I said that just out of the blue and you know when you speak things aloud that are in line with God's plan for you, He gives you confirmation.  My confirmation came less than an hour ago and in the same day I expressed my intent to begin writing again.  Almost a year ago, I submitted an article to a very popular website for single moms to be a contributing writer.  I was accepted as a writer, but did not submit any contributions other than my first article. Today I received an email from the owner of the blog wanting to use my article as part of a Mother's Day celebration week on the website! How is that for confirmation? I really don't know what it means or what the future holds in regard to me writing, but I will say this: writing energizes me and makes me feel alive.  Who doesn't want to do something that brings them to life? Did I say earlier I had just been schlepping though life? Yeah I was, but no more.